Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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