I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
