y did u give ur computer a hand job?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
