So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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