the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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