Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
