Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
