You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
