I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
FUCK WHALES
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize