I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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