i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
