id be glad to
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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