a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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