Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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