thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
