my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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