okay pat passed out under dana's car
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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