then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
