her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
