i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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