I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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