My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
smell my finger.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
