hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Found the puke drawer
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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