My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
