You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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