"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
