filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she peed on how many people?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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