And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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