She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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