My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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