so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
