I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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