Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
