Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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