I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
