You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
