Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
