i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
