I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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