If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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