So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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