Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize