now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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