I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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