look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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