I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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