I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
