Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
