He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
