i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
