There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
