i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
