Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
