When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
