I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
