Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Actions speak louder than pants.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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