On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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