alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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